Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Who's folding your laundry?

How is it that I have fallen this far behind on seemingly everything? Stacks of envelopes and papers cover my desk, counter, table, and fill a few totes along with random objects that I have scooped up off the floor. Piles of clothes collect throughout the house - the pile for goodwill, towels to get put away, towels to go out to the pool cabinet, stuff for the camper, stuff to return to kids' rooms, stuff to be hung up.... Why can't I see the bottom of my sink? Why can't my toilet and shower sparkle like the ones on TV?

As someone who works from home, one would start to wonder what I do with my time at home each day. Honestly, I am not holed up in front of the TV all day or sleeping (although I sometimes nap from 2-2:30 as part of my 'lunch break'). I'm not out with the girls, no bon-bons on the couch while I read or catch a movie. I am working -writing, updating client websites, developing curriculum for future classes and tutoring sessions, updating contact lists. I'm coordinating calendars and keeping up with correspondence for clients, vendors, and home. I manage social media for my clients (which means, yes, I am on Facebook, but it does involve a paycheck). I try to keep up with dishes and laundry and sweeping as I go through my day. Afternoons usually transform me into a taxi service and chef (simultaneously) and some nights a coach as well. So why can't I keep up?

To some, the answer is obvious - none of us is 'Supermom', and until I make my first million there is no one to help me. Wait a minute - that's not true. I do not live in this house alone. I am not making this mess by myself, and I shouldn't be the only one who has to manage it. I know - nos itt rocket science, but how many of us are doing more than our fair share of maintaining our home? We ease our conscience by telling ourselves we are taking care of our family, we are being nice, we are helping the ones we love. But there is a point where it isn't helping anyone. I think I'm there.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit some of my weaknesses. For example, my daughter has thick, wavy hair that is difficult to manage so most mornings part of our routine is fifteen minutes for me to straighten her hair, or at least help her curl it or put it up. How many of us have our own hairdresser to do our hair every day? Thankfully, we've found a good hairstyle that helps make her hair easier to care for herself. So that's one part of my morning I've reclaimed. I don't want to complain. I want to be able to do my husband's laundry and put it away for him, and make everyone's meals and clean up after them, and sort through the stacks of paper that come into the house every day and pay bills and fill out forms, homework folders, let the dogs out, let the dogs in.....
WAIT!

Where in the marriage vows does it say that I am alone in this family and solely responsible for everything? It doesn't. This is not 1950, and although I work from home, I don't get as much work done because my home responsibilities are drowning me. "Since you're home, can you drive me....", or "While you're home today, can you take care of this?". I'm supposed to do enough work to bring in a full-time salary while still making sure dinner is on the table, and everyone has clean underwear. At the end of the day, who makes my lunch? Who folds my laundry? Me. Who puts it away? Not me - I'm too tired. Then there's more mess. Then I'm depressed and frustrated.

How do we fix this? Here's my plan:
- First, I'll make a list of everything I do all day, and everything I ask for help with, and every request that is completed. This will help me see how much I do, and how much help I get. I should also track what didn't get done or what gets done without my initiating it... but I'm not sure I have time for all that....

- Next I have to analyze the results and sort it according to Covey. There is a great chart that helps with time management (Do Now, Important/Do now, not important/Do later, important/ Do later, not important). Once I can identify this, then I can see where I need help and where I can ask for help.

- Now I need a plan. I need to schedule my time so that I have due dates and allotted time for projects. And yes, I will still include a nap in my day when I can, because I believe it is healing to have that break midday. I  also need to schedule my kids and the tasks they need to accomplish.

- At some point, I'll need to include my family in this schedule and get them on board with the plan. Figure out bargaining chips and keep it simple so we all can follow it and stick to it.

So what did we learn today? I'm not helping my family by helping my family. I need to empower them to take care of themselves because I am not always going to be here. And I need a firm schedule, even working from home.

What can we learn tomorrow?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Revise, Rescind.... how about RESTRAINT

Let me start by saying that I was raised Roman Catholic, and my family is being raised the same, but there are many teachings and practices that we have just gone with lately because it is our 'obligation'. I am not totally thrilled with what is happening in the church, and now things are getting political. For the past few Sundays it seems we are hearing campaign speeches instead of homilies and I'm ready to puke about it all. I don't want to have discussions about Birth Control or Abortion at church and I don't want my young children to have to listen to any of it, either. I already have to turn off the news in the morning because of the sex scandals and the drug overdoses that they are reporting about. Yes, I will discuss these matters with my family, but I don't need it in my face at 7am, and I don't want to spend my Sundays having 'the talk' with my kids. Where are the positive, uplifting, inspiring messages to motivate me to do God's will this week? Where are the family-oriented discussions?

Maybe the Catholic church doesn't understand families... I mean, Catechism classes aren't offered at times that make it convenient for working parents to drive children to and fro. Celebrations and feast days should feel like coming home to family dinner rather than simply an obligation we 'get out of the way' a few times a year. Welcome me to church, don't mentally take attendance. If you build it, they will come. If you make it 'home', they will come back....

Anyway, the priests need to all SHUT UP already about birth control - this week, they said Rescind, don't Revise. I say, RESTRAINT is what they should really be teaching. I'm not saying abstinence, I'm saying that Catholics need to trust in the teachings of the Catechists they appoint, and they need to practice what they preach.... So what if birth control is covered by prescription drug plans? That doesn't mean Catholics have to use them. People should be able to show some restraint and even set the example by following their teachings. Dieters have access to Dunkin Donuts, but it doesn't mean we have to ban shopkeepers from selling donuts to fat people. Everyone can walk into a deli, but it shouldn't be the government's business if an Orthodox Jew wants a ham and cheese on rye. People need to control themselves, and laws should not be involved. In addition, the government should not be influenced by any one religion. Leave the judgement in HIS hands.... if God truly believes that birth control is so bad,  He will take action and He will reward his followers and punish the sinners. In the meantime, 'judge not, lest ye be judged'.

God gave mankind the gift of learning, and we have learned to create many pharmaceuticals that have saved millions of lives. How do we know that THAT wasn't God's plan. Lifesaving is not only based on the physical body, it responds to the needs of the emotional soul. Sometimes, birth control is a medical need, providing the hormonal stability some women need to prevent severe pain from headaches or cramps. In other cases, the pill can help a woman with an irregular cycle to have hope for a cycle of a 'normal, healthy' body, and that might give them the hope of being able to use their reproductive organs by giving them the ability to function as they should. I'm not sure of the percentage of who uses the pill for physical needs and who uses it to manage their family size.

Emotionally, the ability to have some control over her life is important to a woman's mental state. Knowing when you are ready to become a parent and being able to plan that aspect of your life is not only smart, it's comforting and it makes better parents. I'm not preaching abstinence, and while the Catholics have their 'mucus monitoring' option, humans have been able to use their God-given intelligence to create an effective way to manage a monthly cycle. I know that sounds sort of like, "If God had wanted us to walk, He wouldn't have invented roller skates" kind of logic, but in a practical way, the point is that sometimes life requires efficiency and reliability, and planning parenthood is one area where I feel people want to and need to take that responsibility.

Some interesting tidbits from today's NJ Star-Ledger:
  • In practice, the Catholic church already respects the consciences of responsible adults on birth control. A full 98 percent of sexually active Catholic women have used contraceptives (for evangelicals, it’s nearly 100 percent). Most Catholic theologians reject the church’s teaching on this issue, so the church had long taken more of a "don't ask, don't tell" approach.
  • It’s a matter of public health. Spacing pregnancies improves birth outcomes. And if all women had equal access to affordable contraceptives, there would be far fewer abortions and unprepared mothers.
  • In the 1960s, when the Catholic church decided people no longer had to pray in Latin, the pope also formed a committee to re-evaluate birth control. More than 80 percent of its members recommended it be allowed for married couples. The pope decided to overrule them.
"We know the leadership doesn’t speak for most Catholics on birth control. And at the end of the day, it’s a choice every woman must be allowed to make for herself, based on her conscience." (Star-Ledger Editorial Board, 2-7-12)

"The Catholic bishops have every right to tell people not to use birth control. That's religious freedom.
But they don't have veto power over how hundreds of thousands of women, many non-Catholic, use their health care plans. That's religious mandate." (Star-Ledger Editorial Board, 2-12-12)

Amen.

 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Why do I really watch the Superbowl?

I am not an athlete. Not even close. Athletic events are only attended if my child or myself is performing in said event. And when I say performing, I don't mean actually playing that particular sport, it usually means marching with the band. There has been the occasional soccer game or flag football game, but my children did NOT follow their father's athletic footsteps. My oldest is strong and athletic, but she is a dancer and a swimmer. She performs, but it is definitely at a high level. In general, our family really isn't into traditional sports. So why is it that I feel utterly compelled to watch the Superbowl. Yes, it has a lot to do with the musical talent and the commercials, of course, but if that were the case I would not be actually watching the actual game. I don't really totally understand, but I do want the Giants to win. I am not sure where I brew my hometown spirit, but when it comes down to it, I love to rally behind "our team". I enjoy school games, I feel that missing the Superbowl is indecent, and when it comes to the Olympics, my country definitely needs me to tune in. I have to cry over all the back stories and marvel at everything these athletes have overcome to make it to this ultimate challenge. I don't understand much of the sporting events and rules and what not, but I do appreciate the work and effort that goes into each attempt, each game, each event. What does this mean? I like to win, and I like to support others so they can win, and I believe in all that is good in our country.  Apple Pie, football, all that jazz. It's sentimental (with an emphasis on the 'mental' in my case) and sappy, but add a parade and I've got tears welling in my eyes (as long as I don't have to march in it). I am not sure why I buy into the rah-rah hooplah, but it's part of who I am. So I dutifully sit glued to my television tonight to celebrate all that is good in our country with some hot wings and apple pie. Go big blue!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A year later, a year behind

Here I am
Once again
There's more to that song, but I can't think of it right now. I realize that last year at this time, I was depressed. Recently unemployed and having had something I really did love taken away from me, I felt deflated and useless. I still miss my school and my teachers and most of all my babies and their families. I see some on Facebook from time to time, but once again, a job I loved, a home away from home, is over. This fall, against my better judgement, I took a position as a Teacher's Aide in a local intermediate school. I am fully aware of the beauracracy of public school, but with the economy it was decided that a 'regular' source of income was a good idea. The hours were decent and worked around my kids' schedules, and overall it should have been a positive experience. Mornings were fine. I was with fifth graders, they were terrific. Afternoons, I went with sixth graders, and it was not fine. I had five stuents that I accompanied through study skills and whatever Related Arts course (music, Spanish, gym, etc) each day. I think under the circumstances, I did a fine job, but it was rough and I was not happy.

So here I am again, this time without the option of collecting unemployment. Now is the time to go back through everything I have taught and learned and gather my thoughts. I know what I really need to do is develop a plan, identify goals and objectives, and measurable outcomes. I do not feel sad or depressed, as I know that I am meant to work for myself, and even though I have taken on some responsibilities for a few people, I know eventually I will need to be in charge of my career again and I will make sure that I am the one in the leadership role. I will no longer work for someone on someone else's terms.

I still believe in Always Keep Learning, and I know that we do continue to learn each day. The value in today's lesson is to find your focus and follow it. It reminds me of being in the labor and delivery room at the hospital, trying to find something to focus on and work toward. Life is like that. Right now I feel as though I'm on a merry-go-round, and there are so many pretty horses and practical seats to choose from. I can stand and watch the ride, I can stand on the ride and wander, or I can pick the next horse and get on and enjoy the ride. 

I think the problem is I keep trying to choose a horse. Jumping on where someone else has ridden on a horse designed by someone else doing what someone else created it to do. I need to get off the stupid ride and create my own attraction. I think I've known this for some time now.

Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes........................
and leap.